


The Necessity of Pain

by TMar



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 14:45:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16578515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TMar/pseuds/TMar
Summary: Cardassians, like Klingons, believe that revenge is a dish best served cold. Gul Madred arranges to have Beverly and Picard delivered into his hands, but this time the torture is not going to be (only) physical.





	The Necessity of Pain

**Author's Note:**

> This story has many elements of hurt/comfort, but there are obvious differences, such as the fact that BOTH characters are hurt in some way by, and also comforted by, one another. 
> 
> People who have read stories by members of Hummers Ink will realise a distinct pattern in the way in which we treat poor Jean-Luc Picard! The man is always having something done to him. In one story he managed to get pon farr. In another he ate something he shouldn't have and went cuckoo. In yet another an allergy played up, making him lose his inhibitions. 
> 
> Even in the series itself, Picard suffers. In 'Sarek' he cries. In  
> 'Allegiance' his doppleganger behaves strangely. In The 'Inner Light' he's someone else altogether. In 'The Best of Both Worlds' the Borg get him. In 'Family' he breaks down and cries. One is forced to conclude that Picard is a prime target for this sort of "writer abuse" because of the way he is normally.
> 
> The man is always cool, calm and collected, always utterly dignified. And it drives the audience crazy. A friend put it nicely by saying that Picard is "emotionally constipated". In that way Picard is just as fascinating as Spock. Writers feel compelled to delve beneath their stoic exteriors to find out what is going on underneath. And in order to do that we perpetrate the most horrible things on the poor characters! We're *not* obsessed with pain or torture or other weird goings-on, we're just of the opinion that only pain, torture and other problems of that nature will bring out the other side of Jean-Luc Picard.
> 
> This story was written in 1993 and appeared in the zine "Bedside Manners" a short time after that. 
> 
> I personally am not a fan of rape/non-con stories. I hope that this is more an "aliens made them do it" story and that the characters' overcoming of all that happens is enough to mitigate the non-con element. But if you think it might be triggering, stay away.

THE NECESSITY OF PAIN

When love beckons to you, follow him,  
Though his ways are hard and steep.  
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,  
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.  
And when he speaks to you believe in him.  
\- Kahlil Gibran; The Prophet.

Chapter 1

Picard stared as the woman he knew as Doctor Beverly Crusher hid herself from  
his gaze by covering herself with a blanket from the hotel bed and looked at  
him defiantly. Suddenly she was not the Beverly he knew any longer, but a  
wildcat determined to fight against any invasion of her body or soul. 

"I don't know what they told you," she said to the disguised figure that  
was Picard, "but I'm NOT one of their slaves to buy and sell! And you are not  
going to use me the way you might use others." She drew herself up proudly.  
"I'm a Starfleet officer. Try anything and you'll be sorry." Picard knew from  
experience that she was telling the truth. The doctor didn't like violence,  
but when confronted with it she could inflict damage with the best of them.  
Picard couldn't help smiling at the thought of what might have happened had  
some hapless Ferengi or Orion acquired her.

Jean-Luc realised then that he had not done anything to indicate to  
Beverly that he was not who she thought he was: some sort of trader who bought  
unlucky females on the Orion slave market. He approached a bit more slowly,  
removing the hood which had covered his face, and along with it the extremely  
outdated Universal Translator which had disguised his voice. 

"Beverly, it's me," he began, thinking to himself how trite that sounded.  
Then he shifted gears, trying to explain. "We had to do it this way  
because..." but he looked up and the doctor wasn't listening. She was staring  
at him in total shock and her arms hung limply by her sides. The blanket had  
fallen to the floor.

The captain stared, not because of the fact that his chief medical  
officer was naked - he'd seen her naked and semi-naked for the last hour-and-  
a-half - but because of the way her expression had changed from one of wild  
determination to one of utter trust and relief. "Jean-Luc!" she finally  
managed to get out, and rushed into his arms.

THIS was not something that Picard had expected. All the words the  
auctioneer had mouthed about the "softness" of the woman, the "compliancy",  
suddenly seemed to be coming true. Picard took a deep breath, held it, and  
then took Crusher by the arms, pushing her away from him. "Doctor, we have to  
get away from here. The Orions expressly forbade Starfleet from trying to get  
you back."

Beverly calmed down a little and stared at him. "But you did come."

The captain smiled a little, and replied, as though it were a revelation, "I did."

Ignoring her own nakedness, Beverly began quizzing Jean-Luc. "Why you?  
I can imagine Will Riker or Worf trying this stunt, but not you."

"Worf's in orbit in a shuttlecraft," Picard informed her. "Will Riker is  
continuing to chart the Dorfini pulsar. And I came - " At this he smiled -  
"because I'd had the most recent combat training."

"The mission into Cardassian space," Beverly finished.

"Yes." Picard smiled. "I WAS the logical choice."

Beverly pulled the last of the Orion decorations from her hair. "So you  
were. Let's get out of here, Jean-Luc."

"Good idea." Picard fished his commbadge from his pack, but didn't  
activate it. He pulled a sheet from the bed and handed it to Beverly. "I'd put  
this on if I were you."

Crusher looked down, and then only realised that for the last five  
minutes she had been grilling Jean-Luc Picard about his mission while stark  
naked! Smiling, half in embarrassment and half in amusement, she wound the  
rich purple sheet around herself. And Picard said, "Mister Worf, get us out  
of here."

Seconds later, only an abandoned blanket indicated that anyone had ever  
been there.

***

"When will we rendezvous with the Enterprise?" Picard asked Worf.

"In two hours forty minutes, Sir."

"Good. The sooner the better. I hate being this vulnerable in disputed  
systems."

"Frightened we'll run into the Cardassians again?" Crusher asked. She had  
now put on one of the uniforms kept in supply on board the shuttles.

"Yes." Picard wasn't afraid to admit it. "If they kidnapped us in open space,  
quietly, no one would ever know where we were or even who had done it, until - "

"Until it was too late."

"Yes. Until it was too late."

Worf was flying the shuttle, and they were sitting in the back section,  
so Beverly leaned over and asked what she'd always wanted to ask: "They  
tortured you, didn't they?"

The captain nodded. "They tortured me. They did everything required to  
completely break a prisoner: they deprived me of food, they shone lights in  
my eyes, they tied me up, they implanted a pain-device, they told me the  
Enterprise..." He trailed off.

"They used psychological warfare." Beverly had read the Captain's report,  
but knew instinctively that much had gone on which he had not written down.  
"I'll bet they even threatened to torture another prisoner if you didn't  
cooperate. Or said they could get to someone in the crew..."

Picard swallowed. "He told me... I could go, and then he said... so  
calmly I'll never forget it. He said, 'We'll get what we need from the woman.'  
Meaning you. And I..."

"You had no choice." Their eyes were locked together, and somehow neither  
could find the strength to look away. Something about Beverly's abduction by  
the Orions had triggered the memories in both of them; now those memories had  
to be purged before they could be whole again.

"I had no choice," Picard was saying. "I turned around, sat down, and  
they continued to torture me."

"My Orion kidnappers told me I'd never see the Enterprise or Federation  
soil again. They said... no one would risk a war... they weren't allies of the  
Cardassians, but they knew if they attacked from one side, the Cardassians  
would attack from the other. They told me it was in my best interests to do  
what I was told, and to make my 'benefactor' happy."

"But you fought them."

"No, I didn't. Not then. I waited to see what would happen, and then when  
they had that auction, and they started stripping my clothes off a piece at a time..."

"You suddenly realised what they were doing."

"I thought harems had died out on Earth centuries ago... that valuing  
women according to their beauty was outdated." She smiled a wry smile. "And  
then they removed the head covering..."

"It caused quite a stir," Picard smiled, remembering.

"Jean-Luc, some of them had never seen red hair before! That Orion was  
deswcribing me as being, er... feisty, and there was no telling what I'd do,  
or what I'd be like in bed! Or what kind of children I'd bear!"

Picard was silent, but Beverly was anxious to impress upon him that being  
forced to do ANYTHING against your will was torture. "They tortured me too,  
Jean-Luc, just as surely as the Cardassians tortured you."

"They victimised me for being a Starfleet officer. You were victimised  
for being a woman."

"We were both trapped by what we are."

And then the ship lurched, and they were trapped again.

Chapter 2

"Mister Worf, cut power before we break apart!" ordered Picard, rushing to the  
front of the shuttle.

The shuttle's external power ceased, but the tractor beam holding them  
did not. The ship had appeared out of nowhere, and now it held onto the  
Enterprise shuttle with a vice-like grip. Worf and Picard exchanged knowing  
looks which were not lost on Crusher. "The Cardassians," she stated. "It's  
them, isn't it?"

Picard nodded. "Yes."

"What do we do?"

"Lieutenant, hail Starfleet," said Picard.

"They're jamming all the channels," said the Klingon, turning to offer  
his apologies to Picard face to face, as a warrior should. But when he turned,  
all he saw was the last of a transporter sparkle, and the captain and the  
doctor were gone.

The shuttle lurched, and Worf quickly turned to the viewport, finding the  
Cardassian ship gone too.

"Worf to Enterprise."

"Enterprise," came Riker's voice.

"Sir, the Cardassians have abducted the captain and Doctor Crusher."

Riker didn't sound that surprised when he replied. "Are you still in the  
disputed systems?"

"Yes, Sir."

"We'll meet you at the border, Lieutenant."

"Aye, Sir." Worf closed the channel and continued to fly the shuttle.

***

Riker turned to Troi. "I'm putting him on report this time for sure! I told  
him not to go!"

Deanna smiled in amusement. "You wanted to be the one to go and risk your  
life to get Beverly back, I know. But we both know the captain was the better choice."

Riker frowned. "Ensign, set course for the border. Warp 7."

"That'll get us there in fifteen minutes," the Conn officer said.

"Good. Make it so." Riker pulled his uniform straight and sat down in the  
command chair.

The counselor grimaced at how Riker always managed to act more like  
Picard when the man wasn't around. "Commander," she said, using his rank to  
indicate that her question was official, "why did the Cardassians kidnap only  
the captain and Beverly?"

Riker ran a hand over his beard. "I don't know. They shouldn't even be  
in that system. That's Orion space." He looked back at Data, who was sitting  
at the Science console, but the android had no answer either.

***

Picard and Crusher were roughly shoved into a bare, cold room and told to  
wait. They had not recognised any of the Cardassians who had come into contact  
with them, and there was something more, something that ate at Picard's  
memory. These Cardassians were not like others they encountered; the others  
seemed focused and military, these were more like... Ferengi. 

"Ah!" Picard faced his chief medical officer. "They're mercenaries. They're not  
affiliated with the Cardassian alliance. That's why they could kidnap us with impunity.  
While Commander Riker, with Worf's testimony, argues with the Cardassian  
military government, these mercenaries can do what they like to us."

"Why, Jean-Luc? I can understand everything except the why of it. They  
must know the Federation will do everything they can to get us back."

"Oh, I'm sure they do intend releasing us, it just won't be soon. I doubt  
they'll wait for war to break out, or for the Cardassians to send someone to  
find us, but it'll be a few weeks at least."

"Hardly that," came a voice, and the Enterprise officers turned to find  
a different Cardassian standing at the door.

The name, "Gul Madred!" was torn from Picard.

"Ah, Picard, we meet again. And is this the lovely Doctor Crusher? I'm  
charmed." Gul Madred stepped forward and kissed Beverly's hand; Beverly looked  
at him with no emotion whatsoever.

Picard faced the Cardassian again, memories of torture and questioning  
almost crippling him. "What do you want?" he asked, in as insulting a tone as  
he could muster.

"We had some unfinished business, human. I intend to finish it."

"There were four lights," said Picard with conviction.

"Oh, lights, lights. This has far greater scope. But enough. I'll leave  
you here to think about your fate." Gul Madred pushed a button on his belt,  
and two mercenaries came in and grabbed the doctor.

"No! Beverly!" Picard ran forward, but one of the mercenaries shot him  
with a phaser, and he collapsed.

Gul Madred looked down at Picard's crumpled form and said, "Don't worry,  
my dear human. I need you both alive. But when I'm finished, you'll wish I had  
killed you." He turned to Crusher. "Go with them, Doctor. Don't struggle,  
it'll only make things worse."

Beverly looked at Gul Madred and said in a steady voice, "There were four  
lights." She didn't quite know what Picard had meant when he'd said that, but  
she'd seen that it made Gul Madred uncomfortable.

The Cardassian looked uncomfortable now, but he struggled not to show it.  
"Soon, my dear," he said to Beverly in the most menacing tone the doctor had  
ever heard. "Your time will come soon."

The guards took Beverly out.

Chapter 3

For what Picard later worked out as three days, no one came in, no one talked  
to him, no one fed him. The captain was beginning to wonder if perhaps they  
had just decided to leave him in the cell to die of thirst when, on the fourth  
day, Gul Madred came in. Bearing food and water. Smiling. Picard was  
immediately wary. This Cardassian only fed a person when he was about to  
strike a kind of deal, to attempt to "reason" with a prisoner... the food was  
merely his opening move. 

Picard ate the food, drank the water, then flat-out asked Gul Madred what  
he wanted. 

"Why would I want anything, human? I realised you must be hungry by now.  
I am a compassionate man."

"Compassionate!" Picard laughed, a harsh, sarcastic sound which unsettled  
even him. "What do you know about compassion! You never had it, you never  
learnt it. You never tried." The captain was NOT going to back down, he was  
NOT going to let the Cardassian get to him, he was NOT...

But Gul Madred merely twitched his mouth upwards and replied, "Perhaps  
not. Nevertheless, you are right. I do want something."

"It's about time. What?"

"Revenge."

Jean-Luc wasn't sure he'd heard correctly. "Revenge?"

"You humiliated me, human. No one has ever done that and lived. Oh, don't  
worry, I'm not going to kill you. I'm going to make you wish I had killed you.  
You're going to be the one who completes my revenge for me."

"There are four lights," Picard said, knowing that it was his only answer  
to the rantings of a man who enjoyed pain, who enjoyed paying people back for  
the suffering he'd once endured.

"Oh, no, my captain, no more lights. Do you think it was by accident that  
the Orion slavers acquired your lovely companion? I arranged that."

Picard suddenly understood. The Orions had no treaty with anyone, but for  
certain... profits... they could usually be counted upon to do any number of  
underhanded things. The Ferengi worried about material goods, the Orions  
enjoyed taunting the Federation. They were the better choice.

"But," asked Picard, not understanding one point, "how could you be so  
sure I would be the one to rescue her?"

"Your Starfleet could only send in one or two people to avoid a  
confrontation. I knew you would come because you willingly accepted torture  
rather than allow her to be harmed."

"I would have done that for..."

Gul Madred interrupted him. "Don't say you'd have done that for any  
member of your crew. We both know what a lie that would be. It was perfectly  
planned. Oh, I'll let you both go tomorrow. But for today you and your lovely  
companion are going to discover just what pain is."

"I felt pain," said Picard. "You made sure I knew what pain was."

Gul Madred looked at him coldly. "Not physical pain, human. I have  
another kind in mind for you."

With that he turned and left the room, leaving Picard to wonder just what  
he was going to do.

Chapter 4

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell  
that encloses your understanding."

Picard didn't have long to wait. Only an hour passed before Gul Madred was  
back, this time with two Cardassians who looked even more like mercenaries  
than the previous ones had. "Now, my dear captain, I am going to open a  
ventilation shaft which leads to the lovely doctor's accomodations." He pushed  
a button. "You will now be able to hear everything that occurs in there."

"Why?"

Gul Madred ignored the question, even though his speech contained the  
answer. "These two people are going to go and keep the doctor... company,  
shall we say?" He waited for the meaning to dawn on the captain, but Picard  
only frowned, so he continued. "They are going to use her as... shall we call  
it recreation?"

This time the meaning was crystal clear, and Picard's whole body  
stretched taut. "You -- you -- "

"It is just another weapon of war, Captain. Just another way to dominate.  
You must know that."

Picard did indeed know how such things were sometimes used as weapons,  
weapons with which to hurt and humiliate the other side: violate their women.  
As if women belonged to men in the first place. "No!"

"No? Ah, but it has been decided. You will hear, you will feel. Inside  
yourself, you will. I will have my revenge, and then I'll let you go. You and  
the doctor will have to live with that knowledge for the rest of your lives.  
And believe me, she will live. Killing her would make the whole exercise  
unnecessary."

"No," said Picard. "Please."

"Are you begging me to spare her, human?"

Picard nodded in defeat. "Yes. I'll do anything you want. There are five  
lights if you say so."

"Well, since you have no information we want, I don't see why I should  
bother with you. Perhaps..." The Cardassian paced, as if in thought, but  
Picard knew he'd made up his mind long before entering the room - he could see  
it in the man's bearing. "Perhaps there is a way to spare the doctor."

"How?"

"You go in there instead of these two men."

Picard wasn't sure he was following Gul Madred too clearly. "What?"

"The only way to spare her is for you to go in there instead of these  
two. You do it, Captain."

Jean-Luc slumped. "I can't."

"No? Then they can." 

He turned, about to give the order for them to proceed to Beverly's cell, but  
Picard shouted, "No!"

"Are you volunteering?"

Picard knew when he was backed into a corner. Kobayashi Maru time.  
Beverly would suffer no matter what he did now... all he could do was try to  
minimize her suffering. So he said that yes, he was volunteering.

"Good! Captain, I cannot tell you how much this pleases me. One thing:  
you may say only five words to her, no more, and you may stay less than ten  
minutes, or you will both be killed. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Then we are ready." He motioned to the Cardassians still waiting at the  
door. "When it's over, we'll return you to the Enterprise. We'll have no more  
use for you after that." 

Gul Madred walked out and the guards escorted Picard to the next cell,  
where Beverly waited. They opened the door, shoved him in, and shut it,  
turning on the monitor above the door. "Stay within the monitor's range, or  
you will be killed," one said.

Picard nodded, turning to look at Beverly. 

There seemed to be nothing physically wrong with her except the circles  
under her eyes from lack of sleep. And they had removed the uniform she'd  
acquired on the shuttle. "Jean-Luc, what's going on?" she asked.

Picard walked forward, removing his uniform, wanting to get it over with  
as soon as possible. Beverly began to look scared. "Jean-Luc?"

Picard put his arms around her and hugged her tightly. He didn't dare try  
to whisper anything in case Gul Madred had sensors strong enough to pick it  
up, but he did have those five words he was allowed to speak. "I love you,"  
he said, because it was true, and because it would in some way, he hoped,  
validate his actions. "Trust me."

"Of course I trust you, Jean-Luc, but what -- ?" The doctor didn't get  
a chance to say any more, because the Captain picked her up, walked to the  
wall at the back (still within the monitor's range), and gently laid Beverly  
on the floor. Then he removed the last of his clothing and put it aside. 

"Jean-Luc, you don't mean to... Oh God," Beverly slowly said,  
understanding. She looked up at Picard as he moved back over to her side and  
slowly kneeled next to her. He placed one leg slowly over her midriff, moving  
into a sitting position, then leaning foward. 

***

Beverly looked up at the Captain, his eyes in shadow, and she could not see  
what he was feeling, what was happening in the darkened orbs that had once  
been hazel and clear and beloved.

The pain of the unexpected entry jerked the Doctor back her own immediate  
predicament. As Jean-Luc began moving, she bit her lip and thought only one  
thing: 'He must have a very good reason for doing this.'

Beverly tried hard not to take it personally, she tried so hard to remind  
herself that this was a hopeless situation and that their captors were forcing  
this situation on them both, but it was too difficult. A tear formed at the  
corner of her eye and trickled down her cheek.

Jean-Luc looked down at her, his mind consumed by the wrongness of what  
he was doing. His actions were much more of a violation than what Jev had done  
to her, even though it was technically the same thing: one was a physical  
violation, the other was mental. Picard could feel her pain and anguish  
welling up, and he was so ashamed he DID want to die, just as Gul Madred had  
said, but there was nothing he could do about it.

Beverly could contain it no more. Tears poured from her eyes. "J...Jean-Luc..."  
She wanted to resist, but she didn't know what to say. She was also too frightened  
to resist: what if they killed them? This didn't stop her from pushing against  
Jean-Luc, not against him personally, but against whatever was making him do this... 

***

When it was over Picard held her close to him, trying to speak to her with his  
eyes and his body language, to tell her he was sorry. But the lost look in her  
eyes would not recede. He couldn't take any more. He swallowed deeply.

"Bev -- " he began, and the harsh steel doors banged open, concealing the  
sound of his voice. The guards dragged the Captain out and the doors slammed  
again. Beverly was enveloped in darkness.

***

"Ah, Captain, the deed is done I see," gloated Gul Madred. He stood facing  
Picard, who had been shoved back into his own cell. Picard suddenly had a  
terrible fear that his enemy was not going to let them go; that he was going  
to keep them there for his own amusement. He knew that if Gul Madred decided  
to do this, he would not be able to protect Beverly from the Cardassians  
again. He'd rather die than see that look in her eyes even once more.

But the Cardassian smiled at him. "My guards will escort you and the  
lovely doctor to my ship, and you will be delivered to Starbase 87."

He was about to exit, but Picard stopped him. "Why are you letting us live?"

"I told you why," replied the Cardassian. "Goodbye, Captain. I hope we  
will meet some time in battle."

Picard just gave Gul Madred the dirtiest look he could, and said nothing.

***

"What do you mean, the Cardassians aren't holding them?" Riker thundered at  
the viewscreen. "Lieutenant Worf saw the Cardassian ship. We know the  
Cardassians took them." Riker tried to calm down. "Admiral. The Cardassians  
aren't exactly known for their honesty."

"I agree," said the admiral, "but this time I believe them. They're right  
when they say Captain Picard has no useful information. Your ship hasn't been  
near the border systems for months. They believe that one of their own people  
has kidnapped your captain and Doctor Crusher in order to exact revenge."

"Sir, surely -- "

"They can get information a lot more easily than we can, Commander. Let  
them find Jean-Luc and return him to us."

"I can't believe you're just turning your back on them!"

"We..." The Admiral trailed off, looking sideways at what was obviously  
another viewscreen. Then he turned back to Riker. "Commander, I have some new  
information. Captain Picard and Doctor Crusher were just delivered to Starbase  
87 by a Cardassian ship. The ship apparently just beamed them down and  
reversed course. Wherever they came from, they've disappeared again."

"We can be there in..." Riker looked at Data, sitting on the other side  
of the Conference table.

"Fifteen point 7 hours, at Warp 8," replied the android.

"About sixteen hours," said Riker to the admiral.

"So noted. Hayden out."

Riker called the bridge and relayed the orders.

Chapter 5

Picard stood on the balcony of the guest quarters Starfleet had assigned him  
and looked out over the base. It was one of the most beautiful bases in the  
Federation, as it was an extremely fertile planet and all sorts of exotic alien  
plants could grow. This base had obviously been designed by someone who  
was into colour coordination, because it was a haze of lavender and aqua.

Most people on the base found it restful and very, very soothing, but  
Picard didn't notice. He and Beverly had been shoved into separate rooms  
aboard the Cardassian ship. They had not been able to say even five words to  
each other, and when they had been beamed down to the starbase, Beverly had  
asked if she could get some rest. That was the last Picard had seen of her.  
She had not looked at him or said anything to him, and, although he knew that  
what he had done had been the only thing to do under the circumstances, he  
still felt like the worst kind of criminal. He knew, too, that whatever the  
doctor was feeling was perfectly justified and understandable. So he didn't  
go looking for her, he just looked out over the scenery and waited for his  
ship to arrive.

***

Doctor Beverly Crusher also stood on her balcony looking out over the base,  
wondering what she was going to say to Jean-Luc when she saw him. What could  
she say? She knew that what had happened to them both had been some sort of  
weird torture plot cooked up by that sadist Gul Madred, but she wasn't sure  
how she could get past her feelings of revulsion and pain, both physical and  
mental, and feel whole again. 

She hadn't been helped by the fact that when she had been given the  
mandatory medical examination, the doctor had asked her a question that she  
had not wanted to answer. "Doctor, all these readings are normal, except for..."

"What?" she had asked. She had undergone an examination just four days  
before she had been kidnapped by the Orions and had been in perfect health.  
The doctor had looked extremely uncomfortable as he had replied, "I scan a  
foreign... substance...in your... body. Is there anything I should know?"

She had known what he was asking, but she also knew that she would never  
say one word to damage Jean-Luc Picard in any way. "No."

"The Cardassians didn't... harm you?"

The doctor had shaken her head. "No. They didn't touch me."

"All right." He had not pursued the matter further, and Beverly had  
breathed a mental sigh of relief.

Now, she asked herself, why had Picard said he loved her just before...  
that? He had not really ever given an indication that this was so; perhaps he  
had merely said it because of their situation... that statement was an old,  
old story. Perhaps the Cardassians had made him say it... perhaps it would be  
better to ignore it and carry on as before.

But the doctor was not someone who gave in easily. To stand still and  
wallow in self-pity didn't help, she knew. Sometimes the best thing to do was  
confront the problem. Finally she left her assigned guest quarters and went  
looking for her captain. She'd decide what to say when she saw him, she  
decided.

***

Picard's door chimed, and when it opened he was utterly surprised to find  
Beverly standing there. "Doctor?" he said.

Beverly nodded. "Yes, Jean-Luc. We have to talk." She marched past him  
into the lounge area and sat down.

After standing there in stunned silence for quite a few seconds, Picard  
let the door close and sat facing her. "Beverly, I -- "

"Why, Jean-Luc. That's all I want to know. Why?"

"It was Gul Madred," Picard explained. "He used that Orion kidnap plot  
as a way to get us both out of Federation space, and away from the Cardassian  
sector. It was his perfectly planned revenge." Picard explained the plot to  
Crusher: why the Orions had helped with the kidnapping, and why the Federation  
wouldn't have been able to get them back through diplomatic channels. The  
explanation was over when the captain realised he had only explained because  
it was a way to put off the things that really needed to be said.

He also saw in Beverly's eyes that she knew this, but she was waiting for  
him to get to the real topic in his own good time. Finally he sighed. "He gave  
me a choice: it could be me or two of his mercenaries. I couldn't face the  
idea that I had the power to prevent them from harming you, so I..."

"You agreed."

"Yes. He told me I could only say five words to you, and I could only  
stay ten minutes. That's why I couldn't do more than... I couldn't make it..."  
Picard faltered. "I know I hurt you." There was no subtle way to say it.

But the doctor understood and continued, "There was no time."

Picard looked away. "Yes. I... I did what I could." It sounded very lame,  
even to him.

"I just want to know one thing, Jean-Luc: was what you said in there  
true? You didn't say it just because of our situation?"

Picard now looked even more closely at the floor. "I..."

"I just realised something," said Beverly. "On the shuttle you said that they  
were going to let you go and interrogate me, but that you chose to stay in my place."

"Yes."

"Why?"

Picard said nothing, and this made Beverly angry. She was still hurting over her  
violation, but her anger masked it now. "Dammit, Jean-Luc, I deserve an answer!"

Finally Picard looked up. "I do love you."

Blue eyes suddenly seemed to melt, and the ice in them vanished. "You did  
it all because you love me."

"Yes."

"Would you have done the same for another member of the crew? For Deanna?  
Guinan?"

The captain could only mumble, "I don't know." But he did look into those  
melted blue pools, and what he saw there surprised and delighted him. And  
something in him, something that had always been hidden or supressed or  
rationalised away, suddenly came to the fore. "Beverly, I love you," he said,  
this time with utter conviction. Beverly felt the truth of the statement and  
replied, "And I love you, Jean-Luc."

She smiled, and Picard leaned forward to kiss her. First their lips met,  
and then Jean-Luc leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her. Beverly  
kissed him back with all her strength, until he reached for the zip of her  
uniform. "No!" The doctor pushed him away suddenly and got up. "This...  
this... I can't do this, Jean-Luc." She rushed from the room.

Picard got up, not understanding, and was about to follow when Riker's  
voice addressed him over the base comm system. "Enterprise to Captain Picard."

"Picard here."

"Are you all right, Captain?"

"Fine, Number One."

A sigh could be heard over the comm panel. "Shall we beam you up now, Sir?"

"Affirmative."

"And Doctor Crusher?"

"Affirmative. Let's get back to our mission."

"Aye, Sir."

***

Picard sparkled into being on the transporter platform, to find Riker and  
Deanna waiting for him. He smiled, stepping down. "It's good to be back."

"I'm sure," his first officer said. Deanna Troi hugged him. Then Picard  
looked round. "Where's the doctor?"

"Beaming her up now," the transporter chief replied, and Beverly  
solidified on the platform, smiling when she saw Riker and Deanna.

"Hi," said Riker. Deanna repeated the hug, then asked, her voice  
concerned, "Are you all right?"

Crusher knew then that Deanna could feel her emotions and know that all  
was not what it seemed, but she was too tired, too confused, and, yes, too  
ashamed to give a truthful answer. "Yes," she said, "I'm fine. A little tired  
maybe."

That did not satisfy the Counselor, but she knew when not to pursue the  
topic. "I'm not surprised you're tired. But you can rest on the way to our  
next assignment."

Beverly nodded, ignoring Picard as she and Deanna exited the transporter  
room. Picard turned to Riker and asked, "What IS our next assignment,  
Commander?"

"We've been asked to rendezvous at..." Riker began explaining as they  
made their way to the bridge.

Chapter 6

The doctor tried to sleep, but couldn't. Why, oh why, had she run from the  
room when Picard had kissed her? For the first time she could remember, Picard  
\- the real Picard, not a doppelganger - had made the first move, and she had  
rejected him. But she did know why. She had been forced to stand in an open  
arena while an Orion slave trader had stripped her clothes off a piece at a  
time, had had eyes leer at her and bid for her. She had been kidnapped, shoved  
into a cell and left for days without food or water. Cardassians had come in,  
fed her and removed her clothes. Then, the only person she would have trusted  
in it all had hurt her the most degrading way in which a female humanoid could  
be hurt. 

It had all come rushing back when Picard had tried to unzip her  
uniform: all her feelings of guilt (what over, she didn't know) and shame and  
fear. And she had pushed him away. It had been the perfectly logical thing to  
do, but she knew that, as much as she had, Picard needed comforting as well.

Beverly had been avoiding Picard since they had arrived back on the  
Enterprise, and those feelings were only one of the reasons. She still wasn't  
sure if Picard really loved her, or if he had only convinced himself that he  
did in order to validate his actions. If enough time passed, Beverly reasoned,  
they might both find out the truth...

***

Two days later Guinan found the doctor sitting in Ten Forward staring at the  
streaks of light that were the passing stars, thinking the same thoughts.  
"Wanna talk about it?" the hostess asked, startling Beverly (something it was  
difficult to imagine Guinan doing).

"Not really, Guinan... I'm just thinking."

"About when the Cardassians kidnapped you?"

"How did -- " But Beverly stopped herself from asking; Guinan always  
seemed to know things like that. "Yes, sort of. I feel... guilty, and  
ashamed... dirty... afraid."

"I had a similar conversation with Jean-Luc Picard not three hours ago  
at this very table," said Guinan. "He wouldn't explain, exactly, but I  
gathered... the Cardassians made him do something he'd rather have died than  
do." Beverly stared at her drink and didn't reply, so Guinan knew her  
suspicions were correct. "They made him hurt you."

"Yes, they made him hurt me."

"In a sexual way." Guinan didn't mince words, because she knew that  
mincing words would not help the situation.

Beverly replied in the affirmative.

"I can't advise you about this," Guinan said. "All I can say is, I know  
you share the same feelings, and that's what you should concentrate on."

"You sound like Deanna," said Crusher, smiling.

"Well, hostesses do need to counsel people quite often," smiled said  
hostess. "And we also counsel people who tell us things they'd never tell  
their counsellors."

Beverly smiled. "Deanna did try to talk to me, but I..."

"You couldn't."

"No, I couldn't. Deanna's a friend. Telling her something like that about  
the captain of this ship seemed... disloyal, somehow. But you know Jean-Luc  
in a way nobody else does. I don't feel disloyal talking to you."

Guinan suddenly stood up, abruptly ending the conversation. "You know who  
you should be talking to? Jean-Luc Picard." And she walked off.

'Why do I feel like that was an order?' Beverly wondered. Still, she knew  
Guinan was right. Avoiding Picard wasn't helping - who knew what he was  
thinking by now! - and neither was wallowing in the self-pity she had promised  
herself she wouldn't wallow in any more. Beverly got up and headed for  
Picard's quarters.

***

Picard had talked to Guinan, and she had advised him to talk to Beverly about  
his feelings. He felt ashamed, dirty, and very, very guilty. Knowing he had  
been forced into the situation didn't help, he kept turning the events over  
and over in his mind, trying to think of some way in which he could have  
avoided the situation. Another fear had recently come into his mind: he'd read  
the report on the medical examination given to them both by the starbase  
doctor, and he had read the sentence about the "anomalous foreign substance"  
which Crusher had said meant nothing. 

Picard was not stupid, nor ignorant. He knew what that could possibly  
mean, and he didn't want Beverly to have to bear a living reminder of that  
painful episode. He also knew that she had denied it to the doctors to protect  
him, and while he was grateful, he knew that denial did not make something go  
away. Beverly had been ignoring him since they had returned; perhaps she  
didn't truly love him... perhaps she had merely said she did in order to make  
herself feel better over what had happened. The captain didn't know, but he  
decided that he had to find out, one way or another. 

Getting up from his couch where he had been lying brooding for the past  
few hours, he strode purposefully to the door. He wasn't sure what he was  
going to do, or even where he was going, but he knew that silence was injuring  
them both and that the silence was now over.

Chapter 7

As Picard reached the door, it opened to reveal Beverly Crusher standing  
there. She looked just as purposeful and determined as he felt, and a little  
voice inside him said, "Now everything will be all right." He hoped the voice  
was speaking the truth. 

Beverly smiled at him, and he said the first thing that came to mind  
which was, "Doctor. I was just looking for you."

"Good," she replied, walking past him and into the lounge area, just as  
she had on the starbase. "We have to talk, Jean-Luc. About everything. We said  
a lot on the base, but that didn't seem like real life to me, and this does."

Crusher waited for a response as Picard sat - next to her - and took a deep  
breath. "Beverly, this has been difficult, but I meant every word I said on  
that base. I do love you." There was such sincerity in his voice that Beverly  
couldn't mistake his words for anything but the truth.

"Jean-Luc, there's more to it than our love for each other. They made you  
hurt me, and they knew that wouldn't be something either you or I could easily  
forget. They knew you loved me, that's why they did it. And now we have to  
live with what Gul Madred did."

"You won't have to live with it for... I mean, I read the base doctor's report...  
you're not... you won't... not another Wesley?" the captain finished lamely.

This only made Beverly smile. "No, not another Wesley. I may be a lot of things,  
Jean-Luc, but careless isn't one of them. I had Wesley on purpose, you know that."

Picard nodded, looking away. "What else is there to say, then, Doctor?"  
he pondered, using her title on purpose, to show he meant what he was saying.

"Nothing, I guess. The one thing that came out of this was that you told  
me you loved me. Thank you for that."

"I'm just sorry that the first time we made love had to be under those  
circumstances," said the captain.

"We didn't make love, Jean-Luc, you know that."

Picard did. He wasn't sure what to call it - he wouldn't think of the  
worst term - but he knew what it hadn't been. "I know," he finally said. "But  
the fact remains, I did it because I love you."

"I know that, too." Beverly stood up. "It'll take a while, but I think  
that maybe we'll be okay."

Picard stood as well, not wanting her to leave like this, not sure if he  
should ask her to stay. "Will I see you for breakfast tomorrow?"

"Yeah." Beverly reached the door, and it opened. She was about to step  
through when Picard said, "Doctor...!"

Crusher turned, not saying anything, allowing the door to close again.  
She looked into Picard's eyes, seeing the truth in them again, but she waited  
for him to say what he had to. The captain of the Enterprise stood up, and  
held out his hands in a helpless gesture. "Don't leave."

Beverly walked back towards him, one step at a time. "What are you really  
saying?" she asked.

"That I love you, and that I want you to stay with me. That together we  
can overcome our painful memories, and replace them with new ones."

Beverly Crusher did want that, more than anything, but she was still  
afraid... not of Picard, but of those memories returning to haunt them like  
they had on the starbase. "I'd like to, Jean-Luc, but I don't... I don't know  
if I can..." She trailed off.

Now she was standing facing him, and Picard took her hand. "Whatever  
happens, I'll understand." Beverly knew he meant it, and this strengthened her  
resolve NOT to let those feelings take over again.

She tugged at Picard's uniform top. "Then take all this off before I  
change my mind."

Jean-Luc removed everything except his underwear, then looked expectantly  
at Beverly. She was still fully clothed, facing him with apprehension. "Well?"  
he asked in a light tone.

The doctor slowly undid her uniform and pulled it off, keeping her  
underwear on as he had. "I have to keep it on, Jean-Luc. I've been naked too  
often, and it makes me feel helpless."

Picard nodded. "I understand." He lifted one hand to caress her cheek and  
the one tear that fell there. Beverly merely closed her eyes, enjoying the  
sensation, none of the feelings from before intruding. Then, in a gesture  
which clearly said she WASN'T helpless or passive, she kissed him firmly,  
warmly, and with all the passion - both the negative she'd stored up all these  
days, and the positive - she had.

How long they stood there in Picard's quarters, neither really knew, but  
Picard's arms fixed themselves around Beverly, and her arms embraced him, her  
nails digging into his back.

Finally the kiss ended and the two of them stared into each other's eyes.  
It wasn't often that Picard's breathing became uneven, but this was one of  
those times. He'd said he'd understand no matter what Beverly decided, but he  
was hoping she wouldn't decide to leave all of a sudden!

Beverly was not deciding to leave, she was breathing just as hard as he  
was, but she felt cold. Then she realised it was because they were standing  
in the middle of the room in only their underwear. "J... Jean...uh...  
Captain... it's cold," she finally managed to say.

Picard only smiled, took her hand and together they walked into the  
sleeping area. Picard looked at her. "Your move," he said.

In reply the doctor removed her lingerie. "I've never been so scared in  
my life, Jean-Luc... not of you... of making such a decision... of using this  
as a way to get past pain... maybe it's not right." But she didn't move away,  
she just stood there, naked now but not feeling helpless any longer. 

Picard removed his underwear and stepped closer to her. "What happened  
before wasn't right... we love each other... this is." He wondered if he was  
making sense. Apparently he was, because Beverly got onto the bed and lay down. 

This confused Picard. "I thought you didn't want to be reminded of... I  
mean, this is how it was when Gul Madred made me hurt you."

Beverly could now hear the Cardassian's name and not feel chills run  
through her. "Common sense," she said. "What am I going to do, go through the  
rest of my life avoiding lying down like this?"

"You always did like to confront your problems, where possible," rejoined  
the captain, lying down next to her.

As he lay down, Beverly got a glimpse of one faded mark running across  
his chest. "What's this?" she asked him, running her hand across it.

"It's where Gul Madred implanted a pain-device when he wanted to know  
about Minos Korva."

"Oh, my... Jean-Luc, it didn't affect your heart did it?"

Picard shook his head, entwining a finger in Beverly's hair as he'd  
wanted to for so long. "They took it out after that mission. It'll fade in a  
month or two."

Beverly was staring at the scar, thinking about how it had all seemed to  
remote to her. They had tortured her, they had tortured Jean-Luc through her,  
but they had also tortured him in a way she hadn't seen. She knew which pain  
Picard felt the most strongly: the mental pain. But she still leaned over,  
kissed the evidence of his physical pain, and went on kissing him, following  
the line of his body downwards. When she reached his navel, Picard sat up,  
took her head in his hands and kissed her mouth, then her nose, then her eyes,  
then her mouth again.

The doctor let him kiss her, new feelings overtaking the ones from  
before, bringing her body alive again. 

Picard now kissed her chin, her neck, her collarbones, and continued down  
just as she had, kissing all of her. When he stopped, she opened her eyes, a  
question in them. Picard said nothing, just looked into those eyes and waited  
for the question to be verbalised. 

"Jean-Luc?" she asked.

"Beverly, are you all right?"

"Yeah. I... what's wrong?"

"The last time I was forced to hurt you. This time, I need your guidance."

"Last time was last time. It was dark, and cold, and the floor was hard.  
I felt all those things with you, then. But now... it's gone. It's warm here,  
and light, and I can see you so clearly. I'm nervous, but I'm not afraid. Make  
love to me, Jean-Luc. I need you to."

Picard did not need a second invitation. He lay down so that he was  
looking up at her, and saw in her eyes the fact that she was grateful not to  
be physically reminded of the last time, even though both knew last time was  
gone.

And this time, there was no pain, mental or physical, for either of them,  
and in each other they knew that Gul Madred had not won, that they had both  
learned something, and that love was worth all the suffering.

"You would know in words that which  
you have always known in thought.  
You would touch with your fingers  
the naked body  
of your dreams."

THE END


End file.
